Profile DOs and DON’ts

While my dating profile(s) are far from perfect, there seems to be a general consensus on various forums of what not to do on dating profiles.  I feel I need to add my two cents.

Guys.  Come on.  WRITE SOMETHING.

Dos for guys:

• DO write more than two sentences.  

• DO use your spell checker 

• For the love of all things holy, don’t type your profile like you text.  Many women out there WILL judge you based on HOW you write.  Wrting lyk dis will turn alot of wemmen of, u kno? If u cnt write gud, plz ask sum1 4 help.  Kthx.

• Learn the difference between your and you’re; here and hear; there, their, and they’re.  Once you’ve mastered it, show off dose mad grammar skills. Mkay?

• DO show your teeth in your pictures.  In other words, SMILE, DAMMIT.

Don’ts for guys:

• DON’T have a dead critter in every last damn picture.  We know you want to be the provider/hunter/gatherer type, but holy shit.  One dead animal is enough.  Show us something else.

• DON’T show us one finger and one finger only in every picture.  We know you are proud of the middle finger of your right hand, but if you are flying the bird in every picture, we are likely to get the hint and do what the gesture suggests.

• SPEAKING of finger gestures, “the shocker” is another one that doesn’t impress us, mainly because a good number of us have an “exit only” invisible tattoo above our assholes.  Yeah, some women like two in the stink, or two in the poo, but not all of us.  You don’t really look mature when you’re doing that.

• DON’T flash us gang signs, fake or otherwise.  Really?  You’re 45.  Time to grow up, bubba.  Besides, you’re a little too country to pull that one off properly.

• DON’T be cliche.  A lot of us have kids, too, and WE UNDERSTAND that kids come first, they are your world, blah blah blah.  Sorry to be a bitch, but 19 out of 20 profiles proclaim your kids are your world.  WE GET IT.  Okay?  We don’t expect that you’re going to write “yeah, I’ve got a couple kids a couple times a month but they’re a bunch of little heathen assholes and I lock them in the closet while they’re here because I hate the little bastards.“  If you thought that, you wouldn’t have them a couple times a month, you’d leave them with their mother and not even mention you have them.  Frankly, I’d be a little worried if your kids weren’t the center of your world and you didn’t put them first.  So lets just pretend that we already know how devoted you are despite the divorce.

• DON’T write two lame sentences and end with “if you wanna know more, just ask” because we’re going to click the next button.

• DON’T whine about not getting responses or dates if you have two lame sentences and end with “if you wanna know more, just ask” because we’ve clicked the next button because you weren’t interesting enough to want to know more.  We know you’re a guy and there is a 99% chance you like sports and music.  WRITE SOMETHING already.

• DON’T write a single sentence when you write to us.  “Hey bootiful.  Wanna talk?” isn’t going to get us talking.  Tell us a little bit about you, especially if you have the dreaded “if you wanna know more, just ask” on  your profile.  Ask us questions.

• DON’T be self-depreciating on your profile.  We don’t want to fix you.  If you’re that broken, its time for therapy.

• DON’T get abusive if we don’t answer or don’t answer the way you want us to answer.  It will only reinforce why we don’t want to meet you.

• DON’T lie.  We will find out.  Are you 5’2″ with eyes of blue?  We know the difference between 5’2″ and 5’8″, especially if we are 5’4″.  We are also pretty good with ages, so don’t tell us you’re 15 years younger than you really are.  The truth will come out in the wash.  Inflating the income/job?  You better not show up in a Ford Pinto circa 1973 with more rust than a bucket of nails.  In fact, if you’re really making $250,000+ a year, you’re going to have a car and not have to meet somewhere close to a bus stop.

Ladies.  Oh wow. Where to start.  May be a list of strictly don’ts will help you out more than a list of dos.

• DON’T have all of your pictures taken from the “myspace angle” and showing your boobs unless you WANT a ton of comments about your boobs.  If you’re laying on the bed in lingerie, don’t piss and moan that they aren’t reading your profile and all they want is sex.  Want respect?  Show that you respect yourself.  Put some damn clothes on.

• DON’T complain that you are fat unless you’re willing to do something about it.  Like getting off the couch, putting down the bonbons, and taking a walk around the block.

• DON’T DUCK FACE.  EVER.  That’s the one where you push your lips out and bat your eyelashes at the selfie you’re taking.  Guys hate that shit because your mouth looks either like a duck (hence the name) or an anus.  You think making your face look like your butthole is sexy?  Knock that shit off.  You look stupid. 

•   DON’T be a gold digger.  Get a job.  No, he probably won’t let you move in after two weeks of chatting online, so stop expecting it.

• DON’T BE RUDE just because what messaged you isn’t what you’re looking for.  Either don’t respond at all (because, as I pointed out above, some can get downright hateful when rejected), or be polite when you say you aren’t a match.  If you want someone to treat you like a lady, you better damn well act like one.  Having tits does not preclude you from having manners.

• DON’T LIE.  Remember what I said to the men?  While they think they’re being coy with us, they can spot a liar and a fake a mile away, too.

• DON’T act helpless unless you truly are.  Most men like women who are strong and independent.

• DON’T act like a snowflake.  You won’t melt in the rain.  Dirt washes off.  Not many men like the vapid, brainless, twit routine.

Okay, so there is my list of what I see wrong on these dating sites. If you have any additions, feel free to add them in the comments section,  You know, for educational purposes.

Happy searching!